First London. Then Spain (where the paella is paella-rific). Back to London. Over to Cornwall. Then back home.

But what was most exciting was the London International Awards. A few observations:

That Doug Zanger got everyone up in a lather
I don’t care for long hair. Nor do I care for jury presidents crowing about this Obama character. It was clear that he was trying to woo the crowd with his sweet siren (yet surprisingly nasaly) voice. He goes up there and talks about how America made the “right” choice this time. Clearly, he was wrong. I am still a firm believer that Pat Paulsen is everything “right” in America and I commend him for sticking to it.

Cocktails are expensive in London
I was paying for my cocktails (Jim Beam and simple syrup) all night. The first round, I asked a fella next to me how much my “Stockton Sunrise” cost. I think he said 20 pounds. So I kept paying 20 pounds per drink. Then, after having dropped 80 pounds on four drinks, someone told me it was an open bar. I tried to get my money back, but the barkeep informed me that their dog ate all the money. A plausible excuse, so I dropped it.

America did us proud
Not only did a young fellow from Baltimore get his statue, but there were other stunning American achievements. The Burger King “Freakout” was a particular favorite. Someone told me that the agency was Crispy, Portman and Lebowski. I found it interesting that a doughnut, the very talented actress Natalie and John Goodman had an advert agency. Then I realized the person who told me the name was from somewhere in Europe. I confirmed with my sources that it was, in fact Crispin, Porter + Bogusky. I looked them up on the internetweb and saw a picture of this Bogusky character. He has long hair like that Zanger fellow. Pshaw. Fantastic work, though and I hear he’s a friendly fella.

More to come soon, Matock is on.

No sooner do I come back from a long-needed hiatus (described by my loon-bag Left of Left Wing friend Chaz as “trippy”), but to my surprise (I’m not sure that the structure of this sentence is even proper), I received a very nice note from the Pat Paulsen campaign. In it, they thanked me for me being me (OK, that’s a lie, they just thanked me for my support). It was very kind of them and I thank them publicly for being such swell folks. Moreover, they were kind enough to overlook my spelling error. Which is somewhat disquieting considering I won the Redding Spelling Bee and Bucklebear Pie Jamboree Competition brought to you by Robitussin (that’s product placement).

Speaking of liars (please go back to 2nd sentence to reread if you have a problem, like me, with reading comprehension), I just read the Al Franken book about the liars. I didn’t get it. I suppose as a fiscal miscreant and social deviant, I shouldn’t understand the book but Chaz told me it was funny. I will take his word for it as soon as he wakes up from his third nap of the day.

Yes, it has been a long time since I’ve posted. But there is a good reason for it. I have been on hiatus. Much like 30 Rock, I have gone underground to get ready for the Autumn and Winter months. What’s that? What have I been doing? Well, if you must know, here is the list of things that I have been doing since July:

1) Girding my loins for the upcoming election. I am still thinking of writing in Pat Paulsen.
2) Traveling the globe spreading goodwill for America. I visited Thailand (where the Thai food is just outstanding), Mykonos (where the Mykonosian food is delicious), Kabul (where I did not really belong) and Amsterdam (where the brownies were delicious and made me feel somewhat strange).
3) Selling off the rest of my Worldcom and Enron stock. What? That was years ago? No wonder I haven’t seen a dividend.
4) Working on my new CD, “Bret Britland Sings Cabaret.” I managed to get Dearie Blossom to help me out. I also managed to get Mayim Bialik (TV’s “Blossom”) to sit in on a couple of songs. Expect this to come out in January or May.
5) Purchasing everything I need when I go to London in a couple of weeks. So far, I have bought: Hawaiian shirts (I hear the weather is delightful), sunscreen, ketchup (for the chips) and some Dramamine for the flight.

Speaking of which, I got a sweetheart deal on a wholesale plane fare. I will be leaving Redding, CA and flying to Los Angeles. From there, I will fly to Mumbai on Air India. After Mumbai, I will take Emirates to Dubai, then from Dubai to JFK. After that, I will go from JFK to Dublin on Aer Linguist, from Dublin to Manchester on bmi. From Manchester, I will board a train that will first take me Swansea, Wales. I will then take a bus to Cardiff, where I will board another train to Paddington Station (like the bear). I will then take a 32-hour nap at the Comfort Inn at Notting Hill Gate. Then I will be refreshed.

I managed to get this sweetheart deal for only $12,480. I am PSYCHED!

Shocking? Yes. Disturbing? Absolutely.

But what rolls my oats is the fact that a Hershey’s bar with almonds is 89 cents in some places. That’s just HORRIBLE.

Someone asked me if I would consider being VP for either candidate. I would if I knew that I could get my beloved Widemann’s Olde Style Knockwurst whenever I wanted it at the White House.

That’s the dealmaker or breaker, kids.

I’m in Washington DC, the hotbed of freedom. It’s also very hot.

Thank goodness there is a Starbucks near my hotel. I can get that Double Chip Frappaccino I love.

That’s what I call capital.

And he’s right. But he wasn’t referring to the election, he was clearly referring to our taking home the big prize from the London International Awards.

If you play his speech backwards, starting at 3:08 in and go back about :27, you’ll hear what I mean.

Since Winona LaDuke isn’t in the fray this time, I have to pick someone. I think that I will keep my tradition and write in Pat Paulsen because of his phrase, “I am neither left wing of right wing. I am the middle of the bird.”

Another option is to write in Tommy Smothers. Which I think is the wise choice.

I found something on the global web today called YouTube. Apparently there are a good number of video things there. I took a spin and enjoyed it. I saw a video with Diet Coke and Mentos. I laughed more than I have in a long time.

I just wish there were more Bill Devane videos. THEN they’d be on to something.

I was around the coffee shops this week for some reason and I heard some kids talking about the Photoshop. As a professional, I like to find and sometimes use photos.

So I went there and was a little disappointed to find that there weren’t actual photos to be purchased. It’s a program, on the computer that, as far as I can tell, allows you to put your photo elsewhere. I decided to give it a go, so I spent the $1800 needed to download and gave it a try.

This is my first effort with Photoshop. I’m not sure what I’m really doing yet, but I think it is a very good start. In this picture, I have cleverly replaced the head of one of subjects with my own. I think it will be difficult for you to figure out which one it is. But I CAN tell you that the older gentleman is Boutros Boutros Ghali, a punchline to one of the many jokes in Seinfeld.